E-PUNCH

I know, you’re probably saying to yourself “Who the hell is this asshole trying to kid? The American Film Institute already named the 100 greatest movies ever made.”

Well, okay, first of all yes, they did. But that was their 100 movies, and this is mine. The difference? Well, first of all my list is not hosted by Morgan Freeman. Second, their list has Gone With the Wind, and my list has Robocop. I could get technical and tell you that this list is just my opinion, and I should probably just call it a list of My Top 100 Favorite Movies, but the only reason I would do that would be to mark it as a work of opinion, but since nobody can ever decide the 100 Greatest Anythings without it being an opinion, you already know that so I won’t bother.

The movies are not listed in any sort of order either, so the movies I start with today are just as good as the movies I’ll end with with I’m finished counting down. Even though I’m starting at #100 and counting down to #1, the numbering is basically there just to confuse you. Not to sound like a judge at the Special Olympics, but they’re all winners. I could probably write small novels on every movie on the list, but each entry will try to be quick and to the point. I know I’ll be leaving a lot out, but give me a break, it’s a hundred goddamn movies.

All that bullshit aside, let’s begin the countdown.

#100: ROBOCOP

If you need to ask me why Robocop is on a list of the 100 Greatest Movies Ever Made, then I’m sorry, we can’t be friends anymore. You can keep your half of the “BFF” necklace, asshole.

First of all, Robocop stars Peter Weller. Peter Weller is one of those guys who made two or three awesome movies that will forever make him a super badass. There was Robocop, Buckaroo Banzai, and probably something else, and really he could have retired after those two because he was already enshrined in the Awesome Hall of Fame.

Robocop is a lot of things - a kickass action movie, a political and social satire, a Christ metaphor - combine all those things and you have, for my money, one of the best movies ever, and it’s loaded with great moments. There’s a melting man splattered all over the windshield of a speeding car, and the dad from That 70’s Show gets a spike shoved through his head. Plus, dig that ending. “You’re fired!” has never been used to such great effect. That effect being, of course, Ronnie Cox being shot eight hundred times in the chest and taking a twenty story dive out a window.

#99: SHOGUN ASSASSIN

Shogun Assassin is a movie that, on paper at least, should not work. First of all, it’s not even its own movie. It’s actually cut together from two seperate movies, both from the acclaimed Lone Wolf and Cub series - Sword of Vengeance and Baby Cart at the River Styx. The original soundtrack score was replaced by new synth music, the voices were dubbed over in English, and plot points and character names were all changed to suit the new edit. Combine all of that and you should have one giant mess of a movie. What you get insead is one of the coolest, goriest samurai movies ever made.

Even the 80’s-style synthesizer music adds a weird, eerie, otherworldly feeling to the movie, not that it needed to be any weirder, since we’re dealing with a dude who wanders the countryside, pushing his kid in a baby cart, basically decapitating everyone who gets in his way.

Shogun Assassin is full of fucked up characters and crazy-ass fight scenes. There are three guys called the Lords of Death, a group of deadly all-female assassins, and a duel in the sand dunes. Even the baby cart is a weapon, and impales a couple people with blades shot out of the front. Expect streams of blood shooting into the air, swordplay in every scene, and hey, even some nudity. Once it starts, Shogun Assassin never stops.

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NEXT TIME: Numbers 98 and 97 on the countdown.
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